So for Father's Day I left Kyle behind at home, alone to care for Sam. He took Sam strawberry picking, then grocery shopping, then to the park, then nap-time, lunch and I came home at 5. Kyle made dinner.
Father's Day dinner.
Steak on the grill, braised carrots with rosemary, sauteed mushrooms, baked potatoes and a salad. And a glass of wine. While I cleaned the kitchen, he bathed Sam and read him a bedtime story ("Daddy and Me"). With the cleaning done, I joined them in Sam's room for the flourish of "Night-nights" and "I love yous."
It was an amazing feat of fatherhood. A heroic day for any parent.
And it was just another day in Kyle's life.
While I want to celebrate the work that Kyle does as a husband and father, I am aware of the evolving nature of the role of father's in the modern day. I read the book, Manhood for Amateurs by Michael Chabon in which Chabon described the following scene: He is standing in line at the grocery store with his 20 month old son when a complete stranger-- a woman-- turns to him and says, "You are such a great dad!" He looks down to discover his son is chewing on some wire-like twist-tie and has snot running down his face. In that moment, he realizes that dads are often congratulated just for "showing up" to the job of parenting. He wonders, what would a mother have to do to receive such praise from a complete stranger:
"Perhaps perform an emergency tracheotomy with a Bic pen on her eldest child while simultaneously nursing her infant and buying two weeks' worth of healthy but appealing break-time snacks for the entire cast of 'Lion King, Jr.' "
Lets face it, even in this modern day, the bar is set extremely low for fathers. Just as Chabon expresses, the sentiment is insulting to many of us.
Our own family-style of parenting has been a work-in-progress. Before we had Sam, Kyle and I had the typical, stereo-typed, gendered-division of house-hold labor. I was the domestic dominant. Kyle the willing, but passive, chore submissive. As worked through nine months of pregnancy, I realized that I could not successfully be a do-it-all mother and a full-time physician.
That was hard for me.
Having grown up with a stay-at-home, completely-available mother, my model of motherhood was one that I could never emulate. Nor, it turns out, after months of contemplation, would I want to. I love my job with a passion and I am so proud to be (in the process of...) becoming the family's primary breadwinner.
Ok, this post is not about motherhood. And yet it is. During pregnancy, it dawned on me that I would have to give up "doing-it-all" and moreover, I would need to allow Kyle to do some-- and more-- of the parenting that would surely be needed.
Kyle now credits my difficult work schedule with making the task easier. "When you're not here, it's easy for me to step in and take the lead. I can just be the parent and do what makes sense." It's not perfect of course, and I'm still the default household queen. But Kyle, as ever, is receptive and responsive to a list of to-dos scratched out and left behind on the kitchen table.
Yet a major shift has clearly taken place. It was particularly notable when Kyle started giving me advice on mealtime preparedness and bedtime routine. HIM giving ME advice on parenting?
It was a shock. And a blow to my motherhood ego.
After 30 minutes of inner-reflection, I felt unbelievably lucky.
I realize that this model of parenting is not for everyone. Every family is different and the goals Kyle and I have as parents do not necessarily reflect those of other parents. I definitely do not think there are "right ways" and "wrong ways" to be a mom or to be a dad. But surely every couple, challenged with their first child (or second, or third), has experienced the growing-pains of shifting responsibilities and roles. Hopefully, most experience, as we have at times, a sweet-spot of balance...
With that, I end with a link to a great (European, of course!) commercial that celebrates the evolving role of Fathers. While criticized by Jezebel.com for perhaps focusing on Dad-themed aspects of child-rearing, it still made me and Kyle cry...
Happy Father's Day, Kyle!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeKuFs0KxO8&feature=youtu.be
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